Politics, Parenting & Pokemon

politics pokemon


What a time to be alive. Every move you make as a parent comes with the harrowing prospect of having it judged by the entire internet, two of the least fit candidates are running for the most powerful position in the free world, and millions of people are running around chasing and capturing imaginary characters while staring at their phones. It really is an unbelievable time to be alive. As strange as it may seem, all of these things have something in common, and it is an unnerving common denominator at that. All 3 of these topics directly relate to how your child will see the world and have a huge effect on their formative years. You’ve seen how much damage the Hilton’s and Kardashian’s have inflicted. Just imagine the fallout from this year’s presidential race, the possible parental pitfalls awaiting every unsuspecting parent who might post a picture on social media and Pikachu, the plucky little yellow…..thing that, with the help of his Pokémon pals, has turned the world into a veritable death trap.

Let’s start with what is easily the most unsettling prospect. Politics and presidential candidates. This election year (and the months leading up to it) has really given us a new rock bottom. On one hand, we have the wife of a former POTUS, whose Resting Bitch Face is on point. On the other hand, we have…..well; I’m actually at a loss for the correct words to describe what I can only assume is a baboon wearing a human costume with a cat on his head. Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton. This presidential race has really brought out the worst in the American people. Not too long ago, Bean and I had stopped at a fast food restaurant (please hold all judgment until the end of the program) for a quick bite to eat in between errands. I know, I know, I should’ve packed an all natural nut butter and organic jam sandwich on gluten free bread kneaded by the hands of angels, but what can I say? I really like chicken fries. But, alas I digress. As we were eating our meal, a man walked into the dining room, loudly proclaiming his admiration for Hilary Clinton. This led to many people being uncomfortable because he was approaching people and inciting reactions. He also managed to rile up a few Trump supporters. It became extremely tense in that dining room. Bean and I quickly finished our lunch and exited through the closest door. Now, I am not endorsing one candidate or the other. Personally I think they are both completely wrong for the job. But I also firmly believe that a person’s political views are personal, much like religion. I do not discuss politics with anyone, not even my husband. I will comment on the candidates’ public image and the amount of fanaticism they elicit from their respective supporters, but I do not, under any circumstances, involve myself in politically fueled conversations. But I will discuss how they are setting our kids up for failure. The very fact that they are able to pursue this office should be terrifying. It has nothing to do with gender, religion or race. These 2 people are horrible human beings!! Let’s start with Hilary. While I won’t pretend to know every detail of the email scandal and Benghazi, I do know that a week ago, it was admitted that she broke laws and violated national security. And “no charges will be filed”. Why? Is it because she’s wealthy? Martha Stewart is wealthy and she had to go to jail. Is it because she’s a political figure, a part of Obama’s cabinet? What makes her exempt from the laws and rules that supposedly govern our nation. I NEED to know why she doesn’t have to take responsibility for breaking the rules, because I’m sure that one day my kid is going to turn around and state that exact reason for why she shouldn’t be grounded for being 3 hours late and drunk. I need to do my research now, so that I have an ironclad argument as to why she has to face her punishment, even though a prospective President didn’t. How can we hope to teach our children that there are consequences to their actions if even the history books will teach them that if you’re rich enough or powerful enough, there are no consequences? Don’t worry Mr. Trump, I didn’t forget about you.

Donald Trump. Real Estate mogul, business genius, so rich he can’t be bought by lobbyists. Except how many of his properties have gone bankrupt? How many of his businesses have failed? He has managed to polarize this country by saying a lot of things that I’m sure a lot of people have thought at one time or another. He has made speeches filled with hateful stereotypes and racist rhetoric. At what point does he have to go to time-out for being mean? At what point does someone get to wash his mouth out with soap. Why is no one focusing on the fact that this candidate has a history of financial misfortune? So basically if Bean loses her allowance because she was careless, I’m just supposed to give her more, because that’s how the other prospective President functions. It really is the textbook definition of fighting a losing battle. When you’re 7 year old asks “Why can’t we just have a normal, calm president?” you know it’s bad.

Parenting is not an easy gig. It doesn’t come with instructions, and just when you think you’ve got it figured out, Life throws you a curve ball in the form an explosive stomach bug or your teenage daughter wanting a piercing and a later curfew. It is long hours, sleepless nights, and the pay is downright shitty, in a monetary sense. The pay-off of parenting is the snuggles, hugs, laughter, and the absolute joy of watching your little one grow up into a functioning adult that contributes to society. Well, you hope they contribute. But lately, parenting has come under fire. It’s a mine field. You are vilified for not breast-feeding or vilified for breast-feeding too long. That blog says don’t vaccinate, but this blog (no, not my blog) says vaccinate in a pool of visceral fluid because it mimics the natural setting in which your baby would normally get all his antibodies, but he didn’t because you didn’t breastfeed. You read a study that said not to praise or give too much positive reinforcement, but then you saw a segment about how low self-esteem can lead to a career in politics. You are being judged by how many episodes of Daniel Tiger you allow junior to watch just so you can fold the laundry. The Stepford Moms whisper behind your back because yesterday little Suzie’s socks didn’t match and you had the audacity to put things like peanut butter, sugar and corn syrup in her lunch. You’re a monster. A Momster, if you will. But really you’re not. I am not exactly sure when this parenting trend started, but it really needs to die a quick death. We used to say “It takes a village to raise a child”, but now it seems all of the villages are filled angry, judgmental moms carrying designer pitchforks made from cruelty-free metals. So you, yeah you, the mom with the crusty food stain on your shirt, or the dark circles that you don’t even bother to cover with makeup anymore. I don’t judge you. I salute you. We are in the trenches together, throwing juice box grenades to appease the enemy. Parenting is warfare. We are battling hormonal, manipulative midget dictators. For 18 years. That’s a long battle. And against all odds, we are trying to instill some goodness in our kids so in 45 years they aren’t the idiots being dissected because they want to be president. You’re the moms I want to be friends with. You’re the real moms. Knee deep in the disaster area that is parenting. You have gone to war over a cookie before dinner and you have won. Or maybe you lost; either way, I’m not judging you. But I definitely think we should go get cocktails and judge the Stepford Moms.

Pokémon Go.  Pokémon Go Fuck Yourself. I was never into Pokemon as a kid. I think I just missed it, by being born too early and possessing above average intelligence. From what I can gather, it’s a cartoon about strange little creatures that evolve and battle each other. So, is it like a Toddler Thunderdome or something? This new game has got to be the most ridiculous thing to happen in 2016 so far. I can’t even imagine how many people, not children, but people are walking around looking for imaginary creatures, so they can capture them in a little ball. Sober people. Grown ass adults walking, driving, and wandering around. This game was apparently created to encourage CHILDREN to get their asses off of the couch and out of the house. But to where is the important question. So far, someone has found a body, numerous people have been injured because they weren’t watching where they were going. People have been robbed and assaulted. Because they are so engrossed in this game, that they have no regard for where they are. A teenage girl walked into a wall while playing this game. She sustained some injuries to her face. When her parents found out, did they laugh at her? No, that would’ve been insensitive, come on people. You laugh about it after she’s gone to sleep. Did they explain that she should’ve been watching where she was going and been aware of her surroundings? No, that would have made too much sense. Instead, her parents said “Hey, let’s sue the game makers! They made you walk into a wall.” Uh no, no they didn’t. Your daughter walked into a wall because she is an idiot. And now you are teaching her not to take responsibility for her actions. Yay for you! Good Job! On top of the fact that people mindlessly wandering around, they are doing it in wildly inappropriate places!! Since the game is GPS based, I imagine that it registers where large groups of people normally assemble, which is why people are catching Pokémon in church. And why people are walking around ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY looking for Pikachu. People are walking on the graves of other people. Apparently there were Pokémon in the Holocaust Museum in DC and in Auschwitz. What better way to teach your child that sacrifice and genocide don’t really matter, as long as you CATCH ‘EM ALL! And then there’s the issue of personal and private property. People are invading peoples’ backyards, climbing fences, and being overall intrusive for the sake of this game. So again, where is the accountability? Why do these people, not all of them children, not have the common sense to NOT go into someone’s backyard? Why do they think it’s ok to chase Pokémon around such revered and respected places? Why does it seem that common sense gets a little less common every day? Remember when I said all of these are related? The common denominator here is accountability. Without it, our kids are no better than if they were raised by wolves. Actually, I take that back. There are consequences if a wolf makes a mistake. The animal kingdom has more discipline than the human race right now. 2016 hasn’t exactly been a banner year for humans, and its only ½ way over.


Nature vs Nincompoop

I’m just going to tell you guys up front, this is a rant. A gossip magazine fueled rant on the dumbing down of role models for kids

Every nature show or book will tell you that the more ornate, flashy or decorative a species is, the more dangerous it is. Lion fish, Cheetahs, Frogs in the Amazon, Black Widows, Puffer fish; the list goes on and on. These animals are either brightly colored, fabulously accessorized, or just plain unusual enough to draw your eyes right to them. These animals also look the way they do to warn predators that they are poisonous to the point of death or to camouflage the fact that they are harbingers of death, like the cheetah. For survival, other species stay away from these flashy animals, because they have a healthy sense of self preservation. They want to go on living their happy lives, just existing in their world without fear of being eaten alive or poisoned. And then there are humans.

The Kardashians, Justin Bieber, Kanye West, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan. These creatures are flashy, ornate and repulsively decorative. And yet other humans flock to them, even admire them, and some extremely stupid humans aim to emulate them. We go against everything that millions of years of evolution have taught us and move in droves to get our hands on the latest magazines, concert tickets, movie tickets and whatever else this “celebrities” do to make money to feed their ridiculous lifestyles. Bean loves music. And I’m not an idiot. I know that musicians tend to be flashy. It helps with the “rockstar” image. But I’m failing to see anything remotely redeeming about Iggy Azalea. I’m not necessarily excited about the fact that Bean prefers Black Widow to Colbie Callait(I’m still not even sure where she first heard that…..song). And don’t even get me started on Miley Cyrus twerking. Hopefully her makeup tastes good, because she keeps licking it off. She needs to keep her tongue in her mouth and her clothes on. The Disney Channel must be so proud to claim that little child prodigy.

Children and men for some reason are attracted to these shiny deathtraps. Guys plaster their walls with posters of scantily clad women, ooohing and aaahing over celebrities who flaunt what their plastic surgeon gave them. Sadly plastic surgeons don’t have talent implants. But thank god Nicki Minaj was able to get ass implants, it so helps the nails on chalkboard sounds she calls songs. Does anyone else wonder if these people even OWN real clothes?  Now please don’t mistake this for some rant about feminism and all that jazz. I’m all for looking pretty, and even being scantily clad for D now and then. But there’s a line that needs to drawn, and for the love of shorts longer than your vagina, it needs to be drawn soon. I’m still trying to figure out why the Kardashians are famous. What exactly do they do? What is it they contribute to society, except little Kardashians and the uncanny ability to marry losers and sell magazines for Hearst publishing?

My point is, these are the human equivalent of an Amazonian poison dart frog or a lion fish. Pretty to look at (sometimes) but oh so deadly. Maybe not immediately life threatening. But dangerous enough to make your 8 year old daughter twerk in the living room at Thanksgiving, or your 12 year old son say he’s going to “make it rain” at the next family gift giving event when he opens Nana’s card filled with money. I for one want my daughter to have better role models. Smart role models. These people are fine for entertainment value, but once kids are aspiring to be like Rihanna because she wears next to nothing onstage instead of aspiring to be driven like she was to get to where she is. There are things to be learned from the determination of some of these celebrities. I mean Kanye West was shot and still force-fed his persona to the world.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t admire celebrities. There are plenty of celebrities that use their fame for good. But those celebrities aren’t making headlines with their charitable acts. They only make headlines when they have a movie coming out.  But there are also plenty of other people worth admiring. Everyday people. The people that really make the world go round. We as moms are the first line of defense against these deadly creatures. It’s our job to teach our kids that even though NFL players worked extremely hard to get to where they are, their poor behavior and bad decisions off the field are inexcusable. We are the ones who have to tell our daughters that twerking and looking like an A-squad stripper on Friday night may get her a guy, it probably won’t get her the right kind of guy. We are parents. We man the gate that decides what enters our homes and therefore our childrens’ world.We are Gandalf, in the mines of Moria, yelling “You shall not pass!” at the repulsive behavior of the people society and media say our children should admire. Our kids may fight us, but really….do you want your daughter acting like a spoiled Kardashian dating a guy that acts like Justin Bieber? I didn’t think so.

Til next time, keep those toes in the sand…..a password on the family computertwerk