Real babies, Fur babies, They’re all gross

Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve been on here! I am so sorry. Life has been hectic in the Beach Bum Household. I’m back in school full-time, working as much as possible, being super mom and super wife and power napping every chance I get. I just realized it’s been months since I last wrote, and man do I miss it. So much has happened since my last entry; lost teeth, friends getting married, friends getting engaged, friends getting divorced, field trips, cross country travel, finishing one degree and starting another. We’ve gone to concerts and theme parks. And SO. MANY. BIRTHDAY. PARTIES. It’s been like a technicolor whirlwind of bounce houses, skating rinks and bad food, topped off with Dollar Store goodie bags that get lost in my truck for months. Which then leads the Hubs to comment about how messy my truck has become. It’s a vicious cycle. And as with any child, there’s gross things. This year it hasn’t been bad. It’s mostly been snot. A colorful array of snot. In watching my child consume chicken nuggets, 2 slices of pizza, 4 Kool-Aid juice bottles and 3 cupcakes, I’ve realized just what an impressive constitution she has. But recently we found out that she’s not exactly tolerant to lactose. Let me tell you something. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to a 7 year old that they can’t have ice cream because it will make them violently shit their brains out? It’s pretty damn hard. She doesn’t care. She literally has zero fucks to give when it comes to her lactose intolerance. I have explained it as best as I can, but to no avail. She still eats cereal all the time. Her go to dessert is Chocolate Mint Moose Track ice cream. And then, like foul smelling clockwork, I’m being urgently summoned to the bathroom to wipe her ass. Um no child. You did this to yourself. I feel no pity on you. Oh what’s that? It burns? Well the truth hurts sometimes. But you know what she’s going to want for breakfast tomorrow morning? Yup…….frosted flakes with milk. I can’t even convince her to switch to almond milk. For the sake of my own sensitive nasal passages. I’m the one that inevitably has to clean that ass disaster. She must hate me.

As if that recent development isn’t disgusting enough, not too long ago our beloved Wookie(the dog) began vomiting for no apparent reason. He wasn’t in pain, he hadn’t ingested anything. But he could not keep anything down. Finally, we got some meds in him to calm his stomach. so I’m laying next to him, petting him, trying to comfort him. He begins to stretch, so I think he’s improving. NO. He literally stretched and vomited in one disgusting fluid movement. I think he surprised himself. He definitely surprised me. If a couch could be surprised, he would’ve surprised the couch too. So yeah, I’ve got it coming at me from all angles.

Last night, though. Last night was the repulsive, foul, moist icing on the gross cake. I was peacefully sleeping, dreaming of Jon Snow’s epic Night’s Watch mic drop, when-in my dream-I became strangely aware of my leg. Dream me thought “hmmmm, why does my leg feel so wet and warm? Did I pee? I have birthed a child, so really is that option ever not a possiblity?” So I awoke from a blissful sleep and found that my Wookie and thrown up……ON ME! I’m pretty sure he was as surprised as I was. And at that moment in time, I realized just how much Motherhood has changed me. Pre-Bean, I would’ve gotten up, changed the sheets and started the wash. Post-Bean, I threw the body pillow into the laundry room, wiped off my leg, put a towel down and went back to sleep. That’s what it’s like to have kids.


Keep those toes sandy and a drink handy!


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