Sancti-Mommies Can Suck It!


I get it, you only give your kid organic, non-GMO, locally sourced, fair trade certified, antibiotic free, vegan…..water. He’s been able to read since he was 18 months old because you quit your job to stay home a be the best mother you can be. You never used formula, you parent like parents in Europe do because you read on a mom blog that it’s a better way to raise a child. Your kids only play “enriching games” and watch “educational shows”. Guess what? your kid still eats boogers and leaves skid marks in his underwear.

Sancti-mommies” are a bane on the existence of mothers everywhere. They suck. I’m sure we’ve all met one. We might even be friends with one. The thing that makes Sancti-mommies so awful isn’t the fact that they do these things with/to their children, it’s that they have to tell you in a way that makes what you’re doing seem like a feeble attempt to keep a rabid animal alive. They have to broadcast their mothering because it validates them. It makes them feel superior to the moms that are obviously doing the best they can with what they got.

Here’s the thing, as long as your kids are reasonably healthy, happy and safe then you are killing it in the mom game. You want to exclusively breastfeed? Awesome. You want to use formula? Fantastic. Working mom? You are a superhero. Stay at home mom? You also get superhero status. Moms need to stop competing and stop judging other moms. Everyone’s circumstances are different and we are all just trying to stay afloat in the Sea of Parenting. I believe it’s located right next to the Bermuda Triangle…..that’s where all the socks from the dryer go. I have held both roles of working mom and stay at home mom. I can Honestly say that Stay at Home mom was not for me. I am a better person when I am working. I have better time management. That makes me a better parent. I couldn’t breastfeed. at 10 days old, my little sweetling flat out refused to latch on. I even tried to wait her out, until almost a full 10 hours went by and we were both just cranky assholes. We switched to formula and never looked back. My pediatrician didn’t even make me feel bad about it. The doctors that do make you feel bad can also suck it!

I do my best to feed Bean a healthy diet. We pick and choose our battles when it comes to all the garbage that is out there food-wise. But it’s also my choice and I don’t feel the need to compare with the mom down the street who gives her kids something different. Maybe if healthy non processed food wasn’t so damn expensive more people would purchase it, but that’s a different post altogether. Bean knows that fruits and veggies are a priority. She knows that water is the best thing she can drink. She doesn’t care if her yogurt is organic. It makes me feel better to know that she has access to as much good stuff as possible, but I don’t feel the need to broadcast it or pass judgement on the mom who just shoved a Star Crunch in her kid’s face. Have you ever had a Star Crunch? Those little fuckers are delicious! I’ve been known to have them in the house. What’s the point of having kids if you can’t share your awesome childhood memories and snacks with them? Seriously, go to the store and buy a box of Star Crunches. I don’t care what they put in those little pieces of bliss….I don’t want to know.

Sancti-mommies are the Mean Girls of the mom world. They have perfected the art of simultaneously giving unsolicited advice and letting you know they are judging you all in one breath. They think their kid has better playground etiquette than yours, even though hers just threw a handful of sand at some toddlers while she wasn’t hovering over him. She took a break to make herself feel better by judging another mom and Junior saw his opportunity and took it. Because all kids, even hers, will eventually act like heathen monsters. That’s part of being a kid. Sancti-mommies will interfere in these instances and proceed to tell you how to discipline your toddler for instigating him and forcing him to throw dirt. What she needs to do is sit on the sidelines and wait until someone is A) bleeding….profusely, B) has a stick in their eye, C) something or someone is on fire, or D) there are teeth involved. Kids are trying to work out their own “food chain”. They have to learn to stand up for themselves because one day Sancti-mommy won’t be there and that poor kid isn’t going to know what to do. So really, sit it out and watch. Think of it as a playground cage match. Toddler Thunder Dome.

Maybe if Sancti-mommies used their powers for good, they wouldn’t be so annoying. Like dedicate all that energy to getting fresh produce available in your kids school instead of just sancti-judging the parents who don’t pack veggies in their kids’ lunches. Maybe instead of playing referee on the playground, you sit down, drink a pumpkin spice latte and really make a friend. The playground hierarchy is necessary. They have to learn it. They have to fight for their place in this world. The playground is their first taste of that. Don’t interfere unless severe bodily harm is going to be the result.

We are all in this together. Moms should be the most united front on the planet. Why are we so busy judging each other instead of helping each other. Instead of offering your unsolicited insight into why another mom’s kid is having a public meltdown, give her a reassuring smile or something. The last thing we as moms need is to feel like being a mom is a competition that we are losing. Instead of making it all about them and how they would do it, they need to realize that everyone is different and we are doing it our way. And as long as our kids aren’t in mortal danger we are all doing a good job.


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