Murphy’s laws. Those lovely idioms that seem to defy logistics and throw a wrench into everything. Even parenting has them. Especially parenting. It’s almost like the gods are trying to test your resolve. Just when you think you’ve got this job in the bag, Murphy decides to show up and ruin everything. I don’t who this SOB is, but man do I want to punch him. Hard. In the throat. And so I give you Murphy’s Laws of Parenting:
1. No matter which way you have him facing, an infant will ALWAYS spit up on your clean shirt. And sometimes directly down your cleavage.
2. As soon as you lay your sleeping angel down for bed, the dog will bark as if masked hooligan’s are trying to break in. 9 times out of 10 it was just a squirrel. Outside. 3 houses down.
3. The bread will ALWAYS land jelly side down. Usually on freshly shampooed carpet.
4. As soon as you are dressed and ready to walk out the door for a family function, your child will projectile vomit. On your clean shirt. and sometimes directly down your cleavage.
5. The quickest way to find out you don’t have taco seasoning is to go ahead a brown the meat.
6. Your child(ren) will be quiet all day. Until you get a phone call. They will then be visited by the urge to ask you every question they can think of.
7. Whatever closet you are hiding in so you don’t have to share your candy is the same closet in which the shoes your daughter MUST wear today are hiding. She will open the door in 3, 2, 1…..that candy bar isn’t yours anymore.
8. Even though they have their own glass of water, yours tastes better. and now has backwash in it. so by Child law, it belongs to them now.
9. As soon as your spouse gives you that look for some long overdue “quality time”, your child will wake up from a nightmare/ wetting the bed/fever or projectile vomiting. On your shirt. And sometimes directly down your cleavage.
10. The one baby food you have in the cabinet is going to be the one your child refuses to eat.
11. As soon as you order dinner on date night, the sitter will call.
12. The amount of inappropriate potty jokes said at maximum volume is directly proportionate the importance of event in attendance.
13. Your child will always walk into the TV room right when there is a sex scene or an extremely vulgar string of profanities on the television.
14. Your child will tell his/her class your deepest, darkest, most embarrassing secrets. Keep that in mind when volunteering at their school
15. Your child will feed the family dog at the table. And then the family dog will vomit twice it’s weight in response. And then the dog will eat from the child’s hand again. There’s no point in trying to stop it.
16. You will make the mistake of laughing at a fart or a burp. Once you’ve opened the flood gates, be prepared for it to be funny for the rest of their lives.
17. Give a child stickers, leave the house with stickers on your butt. Unbeknownst to you.
18. Baby releases Hiroshima in his diaper? Husband suddenly has to get ready for work.
19. The shirt/skirt/dress that your child just HAS to wear today will inevitably be in the laundry. And well past the unspoken 2 wear rule.
20. Only after you have methodically picked up all the Legos and put them all away will you find 1. In the dark, with your foot.
21. Planning to send the child(ren) to Grandma’s for the weekend? Cue projectile vomit. On your shirt. and sometimes directly down your cleavage.