I heard all the war stories, peppered with a few fairy tales just so I didn’t become too depressed at the idea of squeezing something the size of a watermelon through something the size of a lemon. So I get the thinking, and reading, and panicking, and more thinking. In the end I come up with the perfect one. The almighty Birth Plan.
I envisioned it. I rehearsed it. I had it perfectly executed in my adorable pregnant imagination. I pictured my water breaking of its own volition on my predicted due date and me delivering that little bundle of baby joy with all the exertion of bringing in a large grocery run. Pain? What pain? I’ve been hit by a car before. Literally, vehicle versus pedestrian. I got this shit. I am bringing life into the world, pain is a relative term, namaste. No epidural for me. Hours after giving birth, I am glowing and ready for post delivery pics and status updates. I will welcome all of my adoring friends and family and cuddle the beautiful little person I just shoved through my most intimate parts(without even tearing anything). And then I woke up from my delivery daydream……
•My due date has come and gone. Almost 2 weeks gone. I have actually started to question my OBGYN’s credentials at this point.
•my water never broke. It had to be broken by hospital staff. When your water finally does break, it’s not graceful, opportune, or even remotely acceptable. You’re in the least desirable place for your water to break……Target, the last quiet enjoyable restaurant meal you will ever have with your husband ever again, your MIL’s new couch, etc
•Pain! OM-FUCKING-G the unbearable, ungodly, indescribable pain. My child wasn’t breech, she was facing the wrong way, so I had what’s called “back labor”. Picture that movie Alien, but the little creature bursting out of my spine instead of my chest. Find me that little drug man!
•Dilation-10 centimeters might not seem like much, but it’s actually kind of hard to accomplish when you’re out on the spot like that. I got to 8 centimeters. And seeing as Bean was 2 weeks late, her skull was already hardened, so there was no give there. After hours of begging any person in scrubs to get me a scalpel so I could cut her out myself, my OBGYN finally decided that a C-section was in order.
•Epidural=bullshit. So this nifty drug gets injected into your spine. You know that part of my body I’m pretty sure my unborn child was forcibly trying to burst through? Yeah, I’m supposed to sit PERFECTLY still or else the little man with the drugs might paralyze me. Are you effing kidding me? And then, the thing doesn’t even work. It wore off twice in a 4 hour timespan. Fuck modern medicine.
•Being surrounded by adoring family and friends-My husband hid in the corner. My dad said a poorly timed joke so I pulled an Exorcist head spin on my dad, so he retreated to the waiting room. My mother didn’t run in fear. Forget having pictures taken and status updates hours after giving birth. I was in a blissful medically induced deep sleep, the likes of which I haven’t known since that day. Because my epidural wore off……twice, the little drug man gave me Ketamine. That’s a HORSE TRANQUILIZER. To this day I still love that little drug man. Needless to say, I was not camera ready.
•We took the birthing class, it taught me how to breathe. Good thing too, or I might’ve forgotten. Other than that, all it did was set me up for failure. Even the breathing didn’t help. At one point, one of the nurses came into my room and very nicely asked me “please stop screaming, you’re scaring the other moms on the floor.” Lucky for her, she had medical personnel very close 🙂 For all the good it did me, my supposed birth plan was an epic failure. And my unborn child literally slept through almost all of it. Until she was forcefully extracted and slapped on the ass, she was peacefully sleeping, facing the wrong way. She couldn’t even be bothered to roll over. That’s what kind of child I gave birth to, she couldn’t even roll over in the womb to alleviate her mother’s excruciating pain. Nothing went as planned, but it all seemed to turn out ok. Although given the choice……I’d rather be hit by another car than attempt to ever do that without being heavily medicated from the very start.