The things Moms think


Admit it, if you’re a mom you’ve had these thoughts at one time or another. Possibly weekly, or daily or even hourly.  There’s nothing wrong with thinking them. In fact I think it’s kind of healthy. The problem is we don’t express them for fear of looking inept or being judged by other moms. Guess what? Those moms have thought it too. When people ask us about life, we sugarcoat it. We gloss over the tantrums, the screaming, the tears, etc. Why? Because we have an innate desire to show success at the most important job in the world. I know a girl who only talks about and shows the good things about motherhood. If you ask her, her child never threw a tantrum, never misbehaves and never makes a mistake. I dread seeing her Facebook posts because I feel like she’s putting on a show. We are raising human beings. And these tiny little humans didn’t show up with instructions. It’s the toughest job and everyone starts out flying blind. If you’re lucky, you have family or friends that you can vent to, express the exhaustion, the tears, the wanting to pull your own hair or give yourself a rudimentary hysterectomy.  So for those of you that don’t want to say it aloud, allow me to put it in print for you…..

“Oh my God, why is this child screaming?”

You’ve fed him, changed him, rocked him, soothed him, bounced him, sang to him (which in some circles can be considered a punishment), gave him his pacifier, read to him….nothing can soothe the savage beast that is your child. At some point you have probably questioned your abilities as a mother. Calm down, it’s not you, it’s him. Every child/infant just screams sometimes. Why? Because they can. You can easily go insane trying to appease his every need and when you have exhausted all the options, you start to wonder if you’re inadequate because your baby just won’t stop crying. My pediatrician told me something when Bean was very young. As I sat in his office on the verge of tears and exhaustion, he very calmly and rationally said “No baby ever got hurt from crying, just let her cry. If you know all her needs are met, just let her cry.” Now this may go against all of your motherly instincts, and it will be hard, but they will survive and more importantly so will you.

“What the f*&k was I thinking?”

When you found out you were pregnant you probably had visions of a perfectly organized nursery, a peaceful little bundle of joy and a happy picturesque existence. Do you know why you had those thoughts? Because that is all you have seen or been told. Your friends who had kids before you aren’t going to tell you about the sleepless nights, the endless shitty diaper bombs, crying & and the spit up….oh god the spit up. They aren’t going to tell you those attributes of Motherhood until you’re fully invested in the game because, as the old saying goes, Misery loves company….and play dates. They didn’t want to scare you off. Because friends without kids will never truly understand the servitude to which you just sentenced yourself. So now they have someone to commiserate with and then the foul ugly truth comes out. You didn’t know your little bundle would wake every 2 hours to be fed. You didn’t know your boobs would hurt beyond any pain you’ve ever felt. You didn’t know that one tiny human would be an all consuming endeavor. No one is ever fully prepared for Motherhood. I have a friend who told me I was the best birth control because I told my friends what it was really like to be a mom. So as you’re bouncing a beautiful baby on your hip while warming a bottle with the other hand and mopping up a spill with your foot, you catch your reflection in the microwave door. You see the disheveled hair, the tired eyes, the lackluster skin and you briefly wonder what the fuck you were thinking when you thought this would be a good idea, fun even. Well it is fun. It’s hard work. The hardest job you will ever have. But it is fun too. Hang in there.

“If I ever meet the creator of Frozen, I’m going to slap them.”

Let it go, let it go. Apparently the director issued a formal apology for the frigid hell she released on Earth. It’s been over a year and I am still trying to find the right way to tell Bean “No I don’t want to build a freaking snowman”. It was cute at first. And Olaf is pretty funny. But good lord, please Disney come out with something new soon, so I can have some peace. I’m kind of tired of having my eyes pried open at 6:45 am and asked that irritatingly adorable question. Everyone is talking to about how Frozen is teaching girls about strength and not needing a man. Well I can teach Bean that just fine without the musical numbers and pungent reindeer.

“I really hate the word WHY.”

Your toddler will learn several words early on. Usually 1 to 2 syllables. “No, yes, up, food, snack……and WHY” Why is the bane of my existence. It will range from the normal “why is the sky blue?” to the ridiculous or even awkward “why do my farts smell?” please resist the urge to reply with “because you’re full of shit.” It won’t go over well and will actually lead to more “whys” The best is when they simply answer everything you say with “Why?” They want to know why they have to get in the car. Why they have to eat their lunch. Why they have to go potty. Why they have to do anything. You will grow to hate the word why. My best advice is to fight fire with fire. When they ask why, turn it right back around on them.  Ask them why they think the sky is blue? Or why do they think they should eat lunch?

“Fuck this shit”

At some point you will inevitably think this and I can promise it will be more than once. It may be because of the never-ending pile of dishes or laundry. It may be because of the mindless car pools or PTA bake sales. Sooner or later you will have a moment or 2 of weakness. You will crumble in the face of yet another fundraiser or dirty diaper.  You will crack under the pressure of not only keeping this small human alive, but also nurturing them and teaching them things.  It is vital that you remember this next sentence. This moment happens to every mother.  You are still kicking ass. Our job never ends. We don’t get holidays, or sick days. We don’t have assistants. We have family and friends. Every now and then, take advantage of that. Let your mom or MIL take the kid for a while. Read a book. Relax. Take a walk by yourself. Just because you fall victim to this thought, doesn’t mean you aren’t a total ROCKSTAR! So yes, go ahead and think it. Say it aloud (away from the kids), it may actually make you feel better to verbalize it.

“How did my mother do this?”

Yeah, this one pops into your head often. My mom has 3 kids. All drastically different in personality and demeanor. All 4 years apart. She did it all 3 times over. Willingly. I have 1 child. And she seems to embody personality traits of all 3 of us plus my husband. On a daily basis, I wonder how my mother did this. How she answered “why?” so many times without the help of Google. How she survived PTA and fundraisers, soccer games and band rehearsals. I can honestly say that my mom is my hero. All moms are heroes. I look back at my childhood and admire the job my parents did. I try to emulate that experience for my own kid, hoping that she will have the same sense of imagination and problem solving skills that I got growing up. And at the end of the day, I think I figured out how my mom did it…..Margaritas!! 🙂



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