The week(and a half) in Retrospect 11/17-11/25

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Wow….a busy week, with even more ahead. Bean had her 6th birthday this past week. She seemed to grow up overnight, telling me that 6 year olds don’t do the same things 5 year olds do. We took cupcakes for her class, she got to wear a crown for the day and we had a wonderful family party with the Birthday Girl choosing dinner- Sloppy Joes. She also made out like a bandit, as usual. It was a good time. She got a quiet celebration because the plan was to take her to Disney World this past Sunday. Unfortunately she got sick the night of her birthday and we have to reschedule our trip to the House of the Mouse. Then Bean’s Thanksgiving vacation started. Did you know they get the entire week off??? When I went to school we got Thursday and Friday off. Now they get the entire week…..yay! Thank goodness for Grandparents 🙂 Then it was also my brother’s birthday on Sunday, so another family gathering(if you’re keeping count, that’s 2 in 4 days). And now we prepare for the ultimate family gathering. Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. National Eat Until You Hate Yourself Day. This entails house cleaning, food assignment, entertainment, etc. Its akin to planning a wedding, just condensed into a week or 2 instead of months. So Bean has been off from school a few days(she had sick days too) and I’ve gotten a grand total of 5% of my housework done.

And just in case the impending gathering/holiday isn’t enough….apparently lots of people got busy on valentine’s day because Bean has a birthday party to attend on Saturday. Now for those of you following me, but don’t personally know me…..the Saturday after Thanksgiving is reserved for 1 thing. The Florida State v. University of Florida game. I love Seminole football. My brother is a Gator fan. This game is what we look forward to all year. Looking at the invite for the birthday I can glean this about the parents. They are not fans of either team. The party starts at 3. Kickoff is 3:30……is 6 too young to drop her off at the party and run? The party isn’t even at a house so that I might be able to sneak away and watch the game….it’s at a gymnastics/cheer school. FML.

Christmas. Ahhh Christmas. That wonderful holiday that causes you to hate television because of all the toy commercials. This year Thanksgiving is late, so apparently we lose a week of decorating time. We have this tradition in my family. After the effects of Thanksgiving dinner have worn off, my Mom sends her 3 groggy children into the attic to from a decoration unloading train. It’s actually not that bad now because my folks downsized. A few years ago I believe the last box count was like 28 boxes 🙂 I think now its like 10 or 12. So I took a hint from my mom and got my Christmas boxes out today. I was taking a lovely snowman cookie jar into the kitchen when the lid slipped out of my hand and shattered. Apparently I am why we can’t have nice things 🙂 So now I have a headless/hatless snowman jar. So now we are in holiday transition, busy busy bees in the Beach Bum house. So for now, enjoy your turkey, overeat, and be nice to your family, because eventually the alcohol will run out 🙂

Happy Turkey Day!

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Neighborhood Mom

In case you’re wondering, yes I am the neighborhood mom. Its not a role I stepped into willingly. I’m not sure anyone ever steps into this role willingly. Its similar to the “default parent”. The neighborhood mom is the mom all the kids go to when they are outside playing. And being neighborhood mom doesn’t just mean a physical body. It also means you probably have the house they all want to play at or congregate at. This happens for several reasons and the worst part of it, is you usually don’t see it coming until its too late.

How you become the Neighborhood Mom: this happens for several different reasons, but usually its because you embody all of the reasons.

1. You have good snacks, or any snacks. And since you’ve taught your kid the concept of fairness, if your kid gets a snack, their friends get one too. You have to be careful because this can quickly become expensive and make you feel as though you somehow ended up with more children than you ever wanted.

2. You buy your kid cool toys. This is a double edged sword. You are able to buy your child the coolest things because she’s an only child or you work very hard and then other kids in the neighborhood who may not be so lucky suddenly never want to leave your driveway/living room/backyard.

3. You let your kid watch non-lame cartoons or movies and then they tell their friends they have the latest animated feature or Superhero flick and next thing you know, you’re a far less expensive version of AMC, well far less expensive for them. Coincidentally I am need of juice boxes and Goldfish Crackers. And to add insult to injury, you’ve lost use of your television in the process.

4. You order pizza. Bean has this friend, she’s a very sweet girl. But apparently her family doesn’t order pizza, like ever. She is always asking when the next time we are having pizza for dinner is, and then if she can come over. I order pizza so I don’t have to do my motherly duties, not to increase my motherly duties.

5. You acknowledge injuries. I don’t make a big deal out of injuries. But I acknowledge that Bean is hurt and check it out and make her feel better by showing that as her mother I actually give a shit. 99% of the time she’s fine, so I kiss the knee/elbow/head and send her on her way. I guess other kids want the same thing and figure they can get it from me……I’m not kissing the knees/elbows/heads of anyone I didn’t give birth to.

And the final reason, this one is a heart-breaker because it quickly becomes evident if this is the reason why said child is always at your house……

6. You not only pay attention to your kid, but you regularly interact with them and get down on their level. Right now the butt of my jeans is covered in green chalk because we covered my driveway in chalk drawings and I sat in one. So when you interact with your kid, you end up interacting with all of them. And some are so desperate for even a little conversation or a tiny bit approval that they get used to coming to you for it. I witnessed this firsthand today. A boy in the neighborhood that I had written off as a “bad seed” was hanging around playing with Bean and her friend E. The more time he spent with them, the more I saw that he just wants someone to tell him he’s awesome at BMX or really good at flying a kite. It’s not the kids’ fault. Parents have to make a living. I’m sure that with 3 kids and each parent working full-time, sometimes quality time is what suffers the most.

So I told him he’s really good at BMX. And really good flying a kite. I played tic-tac-toe with him 8 times. Gave him fruit snacks and juice boxes…….And now he’s in my living room watching a movie with Bean and E.

I am NOT ordering pizza for dinner.

Keep your toes in the sand…..and your snacks well hidden.

The week in retrospect-11/09-11/15

As I sit here, on a quiet beautiful Saturday morning, enjoying my cup of coffee while the morning sun filters through my home office window I realize one simple thing: I am a stay at home mom and Saturdays have absolutely no meaning to me whatsoever. They are the same as Mondays, only worse because on Mondays Bean goes to school and therefore I am able to complete all the tasks I can’t complete on the weekends because she demands all of my attention. So while she’s distracted with a mountain of Legos that I’m sure my feet will find later, I figured I’d ruminate about the week behind me and the week in front of me.

Let’s see: Mankind landed a satellite on a comet this week, and that’s pretty flippin’ amazing if you ask me. Much more important than what I’m going to talk about next, but I digress. Bean loves science and space, so this was pretty fascinating to her.It was pretty fascinating to me as well. I’ve lived near Kennedy Space Center my whole life, I’ve seen countless shuttle launches, I even saw the Challenger Shuttle explode. And space stuff still leaves me in awe. The fact that Bean loves science is very endearing, because the world needs more budding scientists. Stop force-feeding your daughters make-up and home maker toys, let her embrace her nerdiness in all its geeky glory.

Kim Kardashian. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Can someone please explain to me why these people still make headlines for stupid shit? I swore up and down that I wasn’t going to talk about her, but I seriously can’t help it.  She tried to “break the internet” this week with that RIDICULOUS photo spread in Paper Magazine. Shame on her. She has a daughter. Set a freaking example woman. Thanks to Photoshop and a copious amount of baby oil, she has taken looking like a reverse bobble head to a whole new level. And apparently she didn’t get paid for the Paper photo spread because “if they pay you, they are the boss, they own you.” She wanted to be the boss, she wanted to call the shots. She wanted to say just exactly how she would bare it all to the world, that way it remained “classy”. So she balanced a glass on her ass and made $0 for it.  The saving grace in all of this is that the comet landing was tweeted about more than she was. There is hope for humanity yet. And kudos to Chelsea Handler(one of my faves) and moms all over the internet for firing back with un-photoshopped pics of her own “kardashian-esque” poses with a sense of humor.

Bean’s Birth Week is rapidly approaching. She shares her birthday with a very busy time of year, so just in case I wasn’t already stressed about how to properly wrap a turkey in a bacon(don’t judge me) I get to add her birthday along with one of my brother’s birthday into the mix. This year D and I decided we wanted to set ourselves up for failure for the rest of her birthdays to follow. We are surprising her and taking her to Disney World. The whole family is going. And all I can think about is the fact that they don’t serve alcohol in the Magic Kingdom(well played Walt). So I’ve been pinteresting like a maniac, making custom Frozen-inspired Mickey Ears, ordering a Customized map of the Magic Kingdom(FREE!!!!) and getting all of our Donalds in a row(see what I did there?) I will be sure to post about the House of the Mouse adventure and all of the money & time saving tricks we discover, just to pass along the magic for when you decide to have a momentary lapse in judgement and take your rugrats there.

We watched Big Hero 6 this week. AWESOME! Bean loved it. Hasn’t stopped quoting it. We also watched Mr. Peabody & Sherman. Again, totally AWESOME! Bean was asking all kinds of questions about historical figures. After it was over we sat in bed and talked about history. Enjoyable movies for both kiddos and grown-ups.

All in all, a pretty normal week for us. Next week will be much more hectic, so stay tuned 🙂

Unit then, keep your toes in the sand!

Momisms

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Momisms: We all heard them when we were kids. We all made mental notes to NEVER say these to our kids.  The classic responses that moms offer their children. Some defy logic, others defy physics. Here’s just a few to take you back to those days when you would look at your mother, baffled and terrified at the same time, while still learning some sort of valuable lesson.

“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt” unless you were the type of kid who was trying to end up hurt or hurting someone else, this one probably made you look at your own mother and think “Duh mom, if someone gets hurt, we can’t play anymore and that’s not fun.”

“Just wait until your father get home.” This one taught you both patience and an imminent sense of foreboding.

“When you break your leg don’t come running to me.” Um……does this even need elaboration?

“Eat your dinner, there are starving children in Africa.” Well then by all means send them this, they might like it.

“Were you born in a barn/raised by wolves/etc?” Well funny you should ask, I’ve actually wondered if my siblings were rabid animals. Also you raised me, so I guess I could ask you the same question.

“Your face is going to freeze like that.” Is that what happened to your face?

“I brought you into this world, I will take you out of it.” This was a favorite of my mom. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that’s called murder, but hey…..prison would probably be a vacation to a mom. Someone else to make meals, dedicated shower time….I’m failing to see the downside.

“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.” This was a lesson in cause and effect. Cry and end up with something else to cry about. Very simple…..don’t cry, ever. Even if you’re on fire with a stick in your eye. Not a peep. Because lord only knows what she could possibly give you in addition to the stick you already have to make you cry more.

“Your room looks like a hurricane went through it.” I never knew my mom moonlit as a meteorologist.

“If you don’t cut that out I’m going to slap you into next week!” Physics. Moms apparently defy physics and have discovered time travel.

“Because I said so, that’s why.” Oh yeah, now i realize your argument makes perfect sense with your valid reasoning.

“I hope your daughter/son acts just like you.” Why? Why would you wish that on someone? That’s just cruel. Mom seriously, take it back, that mom Voodoo shit is real.

We have all heard them, and said some, if not all of them. And one day our offspring will probably put that attitude they inherited from us to good use and say something smartass in response to our Momisms.