Goodnight Moon….yeah right

Things every mother thinks at bedtime

Maybe not every night, maybe even just once in a great while. But at one time or another, every mom has had these thoughts, probably verbatim during the bedtime process. If you haven’t, you either have the world’s easiest child or someone else puts your kid to bed, and that’s cheating!

First let me define the parameters of “Bedtime”. Bedtime entails the time after bath (around 7:30/7:45) to the time your drowsy darling closes their eyes for the final time on any given evening. So I’m just going to take a wild guess as to the thoughts that cross your mind:

Bath Time:

“How in the ever living hell did you get taco sauce/spaghetti sauce/sloppy joe/etc on your back?”

“Yes yes I see your bath swimming around like a shark for the 5,782 time. Does that ever get old?”

“I wonder if I can sneak away and take a shower. My kid gets to bathe often, why shouldn’t I?”

“Oh thank god, bath time is over; I was hoping to get a soaking wet hug so I would finally have an excuse to change my clothes.”

Bed Time:

“For f*$%s sake child pick some pajamas. It’s not fashion week.”

“Oh shocker, you suddenly remember all the things you did today and now you have to tell me 1 minute before bed.”

“How many times does a child need to be told that she can’t put her pajamas on the dog?”

“I really hope she falls asleep soon, I have to catch up on Rizzoli & Isles”

“I really hope she doesn’t fall asleep soon, Hubby had that look in his eyes, but I really want to watch Rizzoli & Isles.”

“When do kids start falling asleep by themselves? I’m not going to college with her. Well that might actually not be so awful.”

“You better be this difficult to get into bed when you’re older.”

“I think she’s finally asleep, I can probably sneak out of here….oh look at that, she “accidentally” fell asleep on my arm. Asshole”

At this point, if you’re anything like me, you employ stealth tactics to extract yourself from her comatose clutches. Once you’re out of her goodnight grip, you attempt to get off of her bed. It is at this exact moment you realize that what you thought was a quiet mattress now sounds like a machine gun being fired. Once you’ve managed to get out bed during the bedspring rapid fire, you trip over the dog, somersault, knock over something priceless and breakable, shatter it along with your hopes and dreams of Rizzoli & Isles and realize that your sleeping beauty is wide awake and you get to start the process all over again. Now I’m going to spare you the thought process of the second round, as it’s not exactly…..pleasant J

Til next time, keep those toes in the sand…..quietly 😉

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