The Walking Half Dead

In honor of the newest season of the Walking Dead I got to thinking about zombies…..

zombie parents

What, if any, are the fundamental differences between a mindless zombie and a parent, especially the parent(s) of a small child or infant?

Parents:

Clothes: Stained with bodily fluids, most of which are probably not yours

Diet: You mindlessly eat whatever crosses your path, not for fun, but for sustenance.

Odor:  You’re not exactly sure what the smell is, but you are absolutely positive it is coming from either  you or your clothing.

Hair:  Your poor matted, tangled, something rabid nested in it hair. I’m sorry

Speech: The unintelligible jargon you think passes for actual human communication. This comes from being both tired and spending majority of your time with an entity that is incapable of coherent speech

Facial Expression: The lost, vacant expression on your face. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but that expression is here to stay.

Movement: The “Shuffle”. It’s a technique mastered by parents to avoid the late night Lego land mines. Shuffling allows the foot to roll over the Lego instead of stepping on it, which would result in a level of pain not yet describable to the medical world.

Brain: The ability of your brain to function off of little to no sleep, therefore relying on your primal instincts to keep going.

Zombies:

Clothes: Stained with bodily fluids, some yours, some from your victims, but mostly yours

Diet: You mindlessly eat whatever crosses your path, not for fun, but for sustenance.

Odor:  You are the smell.

Hair:  Just as with a parent your hair is a poor matted, tangled, something rabid nested in it mess. Actually something probably is nesting in it.

Speech: The unintelligible jargon you think passes for actual human communication. This is the result of the speech part of your brain no longer working as you are a zombie. Or a parent. The 2 are easily interchangeable as you can see.

Facial Expression: Lost, vacant expression on your face.

Movement: The “Shuffle”. This has nothing to do with late night legos. Apparently this is just the way zombies walk. I mean really, you’re dead, why should you hurry anyway?

Brain: The ability of your brain to function off of little to no oxygen, therefore relying on your primal instincts to keep going.

As you can see, the 2 entities of parent and zombie seem to have become interchangeable. Although, zombies do seem to have a couple things going for them

Daryl Dixon & Thriller!!!

Winner? Zombies in my opinion!

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